Are you getting what you need?
If I’m being honest I have not.
For a very long time I have been feeling a detachment and disconnect within some of the spaces I visit (virtually).
This past week I am feeling a return to self, a return to me. I am so grateful to my BFF, brother from another mother, and spiritual elder Renzo Devia, an IFA babalawo who registered me with Orula (through divination). Those few hours we sat together was everything I needed to return home.
Last night, I made a vow, as I put Courtney’s baby sister to sleep. I vowed that I would honor my journey. That I would remember what I came here to do. That I would lovingly and gently guide myself back to my gifts that I have put to the side in order to share other gifts. I vowed that I would revisit what I have always known about my destiny.
This return to me—is a return to writing, a return to love, a return to what community looks and feels like for me in this body. It has never been found in quick snippets and 140 characters. Returning to writing is me returning to love. Returning to love is feeling surrounded by physical and spiritual community.
And so I am giving myself what I need. I feel like my body is telling me that I am starving. Yesterday my ADD was at an all time high. I had about 15 tabs open on my phone that I was moving through quickly because I was hungry. Hungry to get back to writing. Hungry to get back to this story I have abandoned under the guise of serving my community, which really has been a combination of me giving love in hopes that it would be reciprocated—and procrastination. HARD STOP!
I know better. I know I can’t depend or rely on a love that I am not giving myself. Writing has always been how I love myself.
This illness in my body is alerting me to the ways I have been starving myself on my search to feeling loved. To truly feel loved for being me with the gifts that I bring. When no one is looking—I love love. Writing is my greatest gift. I know this. The people closest to me know this. and so today I am reminding myself.
My prayer is that you feed the hunger that has been starving you I promise you will be glad you did.
I love you.