Happy 4/20 beautiful people! It’s STORYTIME: The year was 2004, Courtney and I were living in our railroad apartment in my tia Paula’s house near Myrtle & Wyckoff. We were living some pretty dark times. I had just been diagnosed with having ADD and depression. I was on a cocktail of medications; Prozac to treat the depression, Adderall to help keep me focused and on task, as well as medications to help me come down and be able to sleep. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for my 12-year-old daughter to see all the ways I was being beaten down by life experiences and how I didn’t have the tools at the time to save myself or at least I wasn’t aware of how to access them.
I would say (and she would agree) that there were many occasions where I couldn’t mother my daughter. In many ways she was fending for herself from an early age. One day was particularly scary, I called a cousin crying and told her that I didn’t think I could do this anymore. And here’s the thing many people in my family would say, Alicia never cried. We’ve never seen Alicia cry. Alicia is solid. Alicia is a rock. Alicia is a beast. Alicia never lets anyone see her sweat. Alicia is not one to be fcked with. Alicia is the one to have your back in a street fight. And so for this cousin to see me break down was alarming, devastating and scary for her because she had never seen that side of me before. That’s not the Alicia she knew—the Alicia who could no longer hold the pain she had been carrying for so long.
This new Alicia was done fighting. This new Alicia wanted to give up. To say that I was going through a dark time would be putting it mildly. It was a crushing moment and it was threatening to crush the world around me. I was living with so much pain for so long and I was done fighting. I was done fighting men. I was done fighting for my freedom. I was done finding white people. I was done fighting to be seen and heard and respected. I was done carrying years of anger and rage. I was done being beat down and violated. I was done!
I told her that I wanted to burn every single journal I had ever written in and throw away everything that had any value to me. I just wanted to pack a bag and leave to start my life over with a new identity. She was terrified. Devastated. She did not know how to process all of that. She did not know how she could help me through it. She didn’t know how to support me. What she did say was, what about Courtney? The truth is that my daughter Courtney is my reason. My reason, intention and desire to heal all this shit I had been holding onto. With my tears I was releasing everything. With my tears I was cleansing. With my tears I was finally beginning to heal. What was the miracle drug that helped with my healing process?
I was reading everything I could get my hands on that would help me to believe that I deserved love. I was OD’g on LOVE. I was obsessed with learning how I could undo everything I inherited that was causing me pain. I was teaching myself how to love myself. I was teaching myself how to love myself even with all the ugly I believed I carried. Then I was introduced to Succulent Wild Woman
Dancing With Your Wonder-Full Self By SARK who writes about marrying yourself as an act of ultimate self love. She invited me to plan my wedding. I bought flowers, made chocolate covered strawberries, a gorgeous ring and wrote flowers. Courtney was my ring bearer. I wrote vows and we got married as the sun was setting on the roof of our house. It was beautiful. The sky was beautiful. The weather was beautiful. I can still see the colors of the sun setting the pinks, oranges, blues and yellows. The smile on courts face just listening. I wondered what she thought of that act of love. In my vows I wrote a love letter to the old Alicia thanking her for all we had gone through together. In the vows I thanked the pain and vowed to let it all go. The new vows and promises made to Alicia were so loving, so powerful. As I meditated this morning and read the chapter on “The Wedding Day” from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Prayers A Communion with our Creator: Inspiration and Guided Meditations for Living in Love and Happiness, I was reminded of my wedding day so many years ago and the many renewals of my marriage. I have had many celebrations of my marriage to LOVE! I hope you enjoy today’s meditation. May you find your way back to love. May your marriage to love be bountiful.